Chart Throb

Written by Ben Elton

Read by Adam Godley

Published by Random House

Price: £13.99

I’m presuming that a lot was lost in the abridgement of this audiobook. Ben Elton’s deconstruction of Pop Idol and the like sticks very closely with the tv format. So much so I groaned inwardly at the first chapter. Shaiana, a young, inarticulate hopeful is being interviewed, and stammers her reason why she should be the next ‘Chart Throb’. “I really, really want it…”

The main character and the shows creator, Calvin Simms (think Simon Cowell with navel hugging trousers and all) is given a far fetched challenge by his soon to be ex-wife, Dakota. He either takes someone of her choosing on to win Chart Throb, or she takes him for everything he’s got. Thus, the Prince of Wales becomes a candidate for Chart Throb. (?!)He’s convinced that it will help connect with ‘the people’, and solve his bad PR problem. I got the impression that Adam Godley enjoyed impersonating HRH. Although, looking at his picture on the back of the CD he looks more like Tony Blair.

Beryl ‘Blaster’ Blenheim (I picked up on some similarities to Sharon Osborne, and not just Adam Godley’s fabulous reading) judges alongside Calvin. She’s portrayed as an overbearing, botoxed ex 70s rock singer who, since her sex change, has become a megastar of reality TV. Part of this plot is lost due to the chaos of Calvin Simms, Prince Charles and the other ‘Clingers’, ‘Mingers’ and ‘Blingers’. Beryl’s stepdaughter Pricilla is striking out as a popstar herself. Elton highlights the 21^st Century curse of celebrity as the untalented Pricilla is mortified at her album signing by the lack of real interest or admiration. Pricilla is famous for being on reality TV with her mother, not for being a gifted singer!

Rodney Root, the final judge is bland and incompetent. He’s the under dog of the three judges, with no sponsorship deals of his own. In fact, if it wasn’t for his affair with Iona, a band member in Shetland Mist he would disappear into the background. Calvin insitsts on this relationship being dragged back into the spotlight when she auditions as a solo act.

We discover that Shaiana is not all she seems to be. (I won’t spoil it just in case you want to take a break from pulling out your own fingernails.) Elton packs this revelation in with a kidnapping and Rodney’s complete humiliation from Iona live on stage.

The repetition of Calvin and Beryl’s patronising, "You owned that song!" after each act grated on my ears toward the end of the novel. And when Prince Charles wins..? Need I say more?